'I like your hair...'

I'm finally at a point where I can talk about this without having a feeling.

For those who were unaware, I date both men and women. I guess you could call me 'bi-sexual' but i don't particularly like the connotation that goes with that label in specific so I generally say I don't discriminate.

My most recent relationship was one that ended both dramatically and traumatically.
Her name was Lauren, and from the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to get to know her better. She had purple bangs, not the really ratchet kind but the punk-ish bad ass ones that made her appear edgy, and big headphones and I desperately wanted to know what she was listening to and why she was listening to it. I was drawn to her and I couldn't and still can't explain why.

"I like your hair..." My very feeble attempt to start a conversation with a woman who had barely acknowledged my presence when I stood next to her. She looked at me and slightly tilted her head and mumbled a thank you in such a way that almost made me feel foolish for trying to talk to her. I didn't try to talk to her again after that.. instead admiring her from a distance until.. there was a sign displaying that there would be free Subway in the cafe and almost at once we both exclaimed "Free food!" From that moment on, Lauren and I were inseparable. We shared our first kiss on March 1st and five days later, she asked me to be her girlfriend.

We quickly fell in love and when I looked at her I knew she loved me just as much if not more than I loved her, but like in any relationship we faced issues, issues neither of us had experienced or expected, you see Lauren had psychological issues that were deeper below the surface than I think either one of us truly realized and while I tried to be there the best I could, self-harm was an issue I wasn't familiar with. However, I was so in love and thought that I had found 'the one' that I was willing to overlook and work with the demons that she had, and for a year and a half I constantly pushed aside my feelings of hurt and neglect to take care of the constant feelings of pain that Lauren had.

September 8th 2011 was one of the most painful days I've ever experienced. Two days after Lauren and I's year and a half 'anniversary' I found out that she was in a cyber relationship with a young woman who lived in Oregon and had been in the relationship for the previous 3 months, and while for some that wouldn't faze them but for me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. We tried to work things out but a week later she finally came out with the truth.. "I'm not in love with you anymore."

And that's where the fairytale that was Lauren and Emilyana ended..

Thank you for reading,

Queen Illmatic