Mine.

So there's a woman... I'm not even really sure how to explain her other than just using adjectives. She's so amazing and beautiful and caring and all those qualities that you look for in a person you want to be connected with.. I like her. I like her more than I'm willing to admit, even to myself.

She's complicated, and it could be that I like her because she's so complicated. The strange thing is, her cards are completely laid out on the table. She likes me, she doesn't want to.. but she does. I sense her struggle with it all the time and because of that struggle I see within her, it only draws me closer to her. I yearn to know what she's thinking about or what she's doing and even though I talk to her on a consistant basis, it feels like I can never get enough of her. That's not a feeling I'm used to having anymore.. I WANT her. Not even sexually, although, that's a part of it, but spiritually it feels as though she nourishes me. Every time we talk I feel good about where we're heading.

She's going to read this, because she reads all my posts.. and she's already been told this post is about her. I just hope she doesn't think less of me after this.. or feel overwhelmed with my emotions and feelings for her.

Peace,
Queen Illmatic

Once upon a time..

Once upon a time I was sincerely attracted to a man. He was as close to perfect of a man that I could imagine. He was funny, sarcastic, confident, hard-working, intelligent, physically attractive..just amazing. I met him as a customer at the shoe store he manages and he gave me his number. We flirted shamelessly and with an innocence of a kindergarten crush, because to me, that’s all it was. Over the next year we spoke infrequently but when we did talk it was like sex after a long dry spell.. We matched each others sexual innuendo banter as well as  . He had a girlfriend, an “on-again, off-again type of thing” , his words, not mine, and for one of the few times of my life I didn’t care. In fact, I told myself that if I could have him all the time I wouldn’t want him. But looking back, I did want him all the time. I woke up to good morning text messages and fell asleep to watch tv with me phone calls that often turned to long late night conversations surrounding politics and our views of the world. The following year, I fell into a relationship with a woman, we’ll call her KG, and while my relationship with her was important to me I still managed to maintain a somewhat friendship with him, and when KG and I broke up, he was the one I ran to. We went to lunch and as he dropped me off and I leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek, he suddenly turned his face and my lips rested on his. Up to this point we had never did anything physical other than the occasional hello and goodbye hug…I cant really describe the feeling that flowed through my body that day, but after that our friendship had escalated to something more.. I no longer thought of him as a simple crush. I found myself really letting my emotions flow to him…

Thoughts...

Please don't want a relationship with me. I'm not good at them..

Don't hurt me..

Love me.

Free write.

Feelings and emotions are complicated, especially for those of us who don't deal well with emotions at all. A small truth about me is that I dont deal well with emotions, at least not the uncomfortable ones. Being a psych major has me at a slight disadvantage because I know what honest weaknesses are and I'm able to see all of my flaws. Now for many, that wouldn't be a problem. In fact, it would be great because then people could fix those flaws and move on.. Unfortunately my flaws are also the very things that people love about me.. and who doesn't want to be loved... 

'I like your hair...'

I'm finally at a point where I can talk about this without having a feeling.

For those who were unaware, I date both men and women. I guess you could call me 'bi-sexual' but i don't particularly like the connotation that goes with that label in specific so I generally say I don't discriminate.

My most recent relationship was one that ended both dramatically and traumatically.
Her name was Lauren, and from the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to get to know her better. She had purple bangs, not the really ratchet kind but the punk-ish bad ass ones that made her appear edgy, and big headphones and I desperately wanted to know what she was listening to and why she was listening to it. I was drawn to her and I couldn't and still can't explain why.

"I like your hair..." My very feeble attempt to start a conversation with a woman who had barely acknowledged my presence when I stood next to her. She looked at me and slightly tilted her head and mumbled a thank you in such a way that almost made me feel foolish for trying to talk to her. I didn't try to talk to her again after that.. instead admiring her from a distance until.. there was a sign displaying that there would be free Subway in the cafe and almost at once we both exclaimed "Free food!" From that moment on, Lauren and I were inseparable. We shared our first kiss on March 1st and five days later, she asked me to be her girlfriend.

We quickly fell in love and when I looked at her I knew she loved me just as much if not more than I loved her, but like in any relationship we faced issues, issues neither of us had experienced or expected, you see Lauren had psychological issues that were deeper below the surface than I think either one of us truly realized and while I tried to be there the best I could, self-harm was an issue I wasn't familiar with. However, I was so in love and thought that I had found 'the one' that I was willing to overlook and work with the demons that she had, and for a year and a half I constantly pushed aside my feelings of hurt and neglect to take care of the constant feelings of pain that Lauren had.

September 8th 2011 was one of the most painful days I've ever experienced. Two days after Lauren and I's year and a half 'anniversary' I found out that she was in a cyber relationship with a young woman who lived in Oregon and had been in the relationship for the previous 3 months, and while for some that wouldn't faze them but for me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. We tried to work things out but a week later she finally came out with the truth.. "I'm not in love with you anymore."

And that's where the fairytale that was Lauren and Emilyana ended..

Thank you for reading,

Queen Illmatic

"Everybody loves Emily"

I don't like attention.

Now for those who know me, I can hear what you're saying..

"Yes you do"

"Stop lying!!"

Truthfully, I don't like a whole lot of attention. It makes me uncomfortable. However,  regardless of whether I enjoy it or not, I usually brush off such attention with the phrase "Everybody loves Emily..." This statement is usually met with laughter and giggles and positive affirmation, but as of lately I've felt a little awkward saying it. Truthfully very few people love me, and that could be for a number of reasons really. One being that I don't let people in enough to really get to know the good and bad parts about me, another being that I'm really not the easiest person to love, at least not in my eyes.  Now with that last statement being said, I don't want you all to have pity on this young Queen, but because I know myself and I know how I can get ( I have a slight attitude problem and authority issues) I feel completely confident in being able to say that I'm a very difficult person to love. On the other hand, when I fall in love or I love someone, the emotion is strong and almost over powering.. So, I really try and keep control of my feelings however most of the time this doesnt work and I get my feelings hurt in some form or another......

Thats all I want to share today... Until tomorrow..

Thank you for reading,

Queen Illmatic

Understanding Emilyana

To really understand my current predicament, you have to know where I came from.

Relationships have always been difficult for me. Not even just of the romantic kind. I've never had a proper example of what friendships, familal relationships, or romantic relationships look like so as an adult, developing and cultivating such relationships has proven to be a difficult task for me, romantic relationships especially.

This blog will chronicle my views and thoughts on current relationships in my life, as well as look backs at previous relationships as I see necessary.


Thank you for reading.

Queen Illmatic.